08 April 2007

I believe, I know

Two days after the death of my brother, I was distraught. I remembered our last conversation. I hadn't wanted to talk and remembering the conversation, I felt I had cheated both of us.

We had made our journey back to California in a rush. We had to be at his funeral. While at the same time moving to go to grad school in San Diego. We got to my parents home and I was unconsolable. Not that there was gnashing of teeth and uncontrollable tears. Not at all. I had three small girls, I could cry, but I had to keep it together for their sakes. The last thing they needed was a hysterical mom.

I found myself lost in prayer. Prayers of hope, of comfort and of searching. My belief system includes the fact that prayers are answered. The heavens are open and our God loves us beyond belief. So I drew upon that knowledge and asked for comfort. I asked for something that I shouldn't have. It was indulgent. But I didn't care I needed one thing. It didn't matter if no one else had ever asked, I needed to say goodbye to my brother. I pleaded for the opportunity to see him one last time, to be able to give him a hug, to make up for my inability to allow him to reach out and be my big brother. Yes, it was a prayer of indulgence.

Sleep came intermittently, it was fitful and sad. The night before the viewing however, I went to sleep exhausted. My body succumbed to the days of filling vessels of those more needful than myself. That's when the miracle took place. In the wee hours of the morning my prayer was answered. My brother came to me and I was able to give him one last hug, to let him know of my love for him and to thank him for being my brother and protector all the years of our lives. It actually happened. When I hugged him I really hugged him. He was there. I awakened to tell my husband. I told a few others and they all said it was good. I am not sure anyone thought it had really happened.

It was not a magicians trick however. I know that my prayer, indulgent as it was, was answered. God understood the bond between us and my need to say good bye. I know without a shadow of a doubt God lives, answers prayer, sometimes not to our liking, and that the atonement and resurrection is real. I know that we will be reunited with those we love in the future, that our lives are worth living and that forgiveness is the key to happiness.

So this Easter morn I add my testimony to those of others. The Resurrection is real. Christ lives and atoned for us.